Fast Forward II

“Do you want another drink sir?”

I lift my chin to see the waiter standing with a question mark on his face.

“Sure, and another plate of finger chips please.”

He nods and walks towards the bar. I empty the last gulp remaining in my glass and resist lighting a cigarette. I have reduced smoking so much that many of friends think I have finally given up smoking. Very few of my acquaintances know that I gave up smoking after my post-graduation, not because I thought it was bad, nor because my physician asked me to, but I started wheezing now and then and felt smoking utterly uncomfortable. Only when I had a couple of drinks, I could smoke, for my chest would be clear. Alcohol does dilate your bronchi.

Many more people are sitting in the hotel now, than were when I had arrived, although it is only about noon. The waiter pours my drink and walks to another table. I make a mental note that this would be my last drink, for I would myself be driving back home. From a nearby table, I hear a couple of people are speaking so loudly that I get disturbed. I take a big sip and begin to stare at the tree with a huge trunk and large leaves.

Cathartic. Yes they say such experience cathartic. If the intervening period had not been so long as to render me incapable of changing the turns my life has taken, it would have been something other than cathartic. It is a shame that I even think of this word to explain the experience. The meanness hasn’t yet left me. Why do I feel so strongly about it? Don’t I have heart? My feelings towards Nirupama have always been ambivalent. But now after all this, at least, I should think differently, feel differently. Am I still not mature enough to view things dispassionately?

I consider what situation she is in now. Has she been a failure in her life? I ask myself. I should ask myself a similar question. Was I responsible for how it all ended? Partly. I confess to myself. I feel guilty about that. I have been inconsiderate. I have been unforgiving. I have been pitiless. I have to accept, I can’t cheat myself. But it is also beyond dispute that I alone am not fully responsible. There are others who are to have a lion-share of the blame. I have only been a part of the pack of wolves. Others, they are still unrepentant. Above all, it was Mohan who should have not heeded to anything that anybody said, if he knew the truth or at least if he trusted that what he knew was the truth. Wasn’t it the classic case of her words against those of everybody else?

I remember that neither Mohan nor Nirupama ever looked serious about their future. At least as far as I knew. Even if Mohan had been serious about marrying her, he wouldn’t have dared say so before any of us, for the fear of becoming a butt of jokes. Bhaskar would have easily called him credulous fool. But why did everyone act as they did?

“Anything else sir?” again, the waiter.

“Nope. Bill please,” I reply and take another large gulp of whisky.

I curse the waiter mutedly for breaking my chain of thoughts. I try to go back to my thoughts, but on the contrary slip even backwards to the time when our second term ended with the annual examinations and the vacations began…

***

A Respite

It soon turned out to be a very badly kept secret. Everyone in the department came to know of the affair Mohan was having with Nirupama, with all the lascivious details. This was mainly because Mohan himself liked to brag about it before all and sundry, indiscriminately. His encounters with Nirupama also steadily increased from once in a while to a couple of times a week. I totally lost interest in it and started avoiding any discussion that spun around the concerns expressed by Bhaskar. But we did make fun of Mohan, especially when he was not around that he had succumbed to the charms of a slut because he had been deprived of friendship or love of girls. This was the first opportunity in his life that he grabbed with both his hands and wouldn’t let go for anything in the world. I didn’t know why, but I was the bitterest critic of Mohan’s affairs and would call him a drought-affected son of a bitch! Bhaskar and Vijay, and even Suresh and Virupakshappa used to laugh and nod their agreement with my opinion.

However nobody outside our group spoke either for or against it, at least not before us. The routine, however, of the group was not disturbed. On the contrary, the relations between the members of the group became more and more intimate. Two others, Suresh Hiremath and Virupakshappa, who were earlier only part time members of the group, now became full time members, joining us for most of our trips to the university canteen. Unlike any other group, it is always the girls, especially Vani, who paid the bills.

When did Mohan go to meet Nirupama? The question still puzzles me. I never noticed him or her slipping away stealthily from the group. Bhaskar would certainly have known, for he was Mohan’s roommate, but never broached this subject in our presence. Once I observed Mohan and Nirupama exchanging gift packages in the department, on a few moments before the first lecture. I was curious to know what gifts they had exchanged but I had to wait till the classes were over. In the afternoon, when we reached back to the hostel, Mohan went quickly to his room and I had to ask Bhaskar about the gift. He grinned sardonically and said, “She gave him an undergarment, a brief!”

“What? Does any one present a brief as a gift? Don’t tell me!” I said with mock anger.

“Harsha, in the first place it was not a gift. Yesterday by mistake he wore her panties and she wore his VIP Frenchie, after you know what. They invented an ingenious method to exchange them!” His grin was even wider.

“Shit!” I said with a wince.

“I hope at least they have washed them before exchanging!” Bhaskar said and walked towards his room.

However hard he might have tried to conceal it, I could notice the wrath and scorn on Bhaskar’s face. I knew he was jealous. He was afraid that he would no longer be a close friend of Mohan. Till then they had never had anything that they did not, or would not share. But now Mohan had something that he would not share with anybody. Bhaskar had always been like a shadow of Mohan, and unlike a shadow, he would follow him even in the dark. But now it seemed that Mohan no longer needed his shadow. I could see a rift was in the offing. It was unbearable to Bhaskar but he was absolutely helpless.

I had overcome my jealousy, or so I thought. I had always been a lonely man but had never liked to be so. Youthful as I was, it was but natural to crave for a partner, a mate with whom I could shed all my inhibitions, soar like a free bird in the sky, climb to the mountain peaks and enjoy the intense touch of the winds, float in the muddy waters of meandering rivers, roam in the dark woods, and do more, all with an intimate companion. Was there someone made for me? I wondered. Bhaskar might have had the same thoughts and feelings. But what he and I had not got, Mohan had got. While I was burning with jealousy when it was first revealed to me during the excursion, envy caught up with Bhaskar later and perhaps it was more intense than mine.

That was why he never missed an opportunity to cast aspersions on the character of Nirupama. Many of the stories that he told about her, might simply have been a figment of his fertile imagination. But he had a talent for telling lies, and telling them very convincingly. When repeated again and again, the lies transformed into more true than the truths. Moreover, Bhaskar himself began to think them to be true.

Mohan once gently hinted that what Bhaskar kept telling about Nirupama might not be true. But this enraged Bhaskar even more and he confided in me that he was playing into her hands and has started blindly believing everything that Nirupama told him. It was very difficult for me to accept his position, but I was too selfish to contradict him. Yes, it was very soothing to believe what Bhaskar said. It was very much to my liking, for I would console myself that Mohan did not after all get what I myself could not. Moreover a rift between Bhaskar and Mohan would provide me with a chance to have a place in Mohan’s scheme of things. With Bhaskar discarded, I would remain his only and perhaps the closest friend. It was all there in my subconscious mind. Otherwise I would be full of shame for having such feelings or thoughts. My conscience would not have permitted me to be such a vulgar, scheming villain.

There was a month’s vacation after the first term starting on fifteenth of October. By the tenth, almost the whole of the hostel was vacant. The clerk of the hostel used to go to every room asking the boys to vacate. I did not want to go home for vacation, for it would mean a loss of freedom for one whole month. I got a very good pretext to stay back when the Department of Gandhian Studies announced that there would be a fieldwork for ten days and then each student has to prepare a dissertation based on the study he or she conducts in the field. I was permitted to stay in the hostel.

But soon I realized that it was not fun staying alone in such a big hostel. It looked like a haunted place at night and I had to increase my daily quota of drinks by another small peg. I was indeed relieved when I went to a remote village for ten days. The days were very hectic during the fieldwork, beginning with physical exercises and yoga in the morning till the dinner late evening. We had to live a Gandhian life, Spartan food, physical labour, social service, conducting survey for dissertation and presenting educative entertainment to the villagers in the evening. It was an elevating and exalting experience apart from being my first encounter with the rural life. As long as I was there, I did not remember my friends, the girls or the group. I made new friends, acquired new knowledge, rediscovered our true culture and values, and met with the rural realities.

After the fieldwork, I went home for a week and just lazed, but didn’t even miss my evening drinks. When I returned to the hostel, boys had already coming back from their homes with renewed energy and enthusiasm.

Bhaskar's Concerns

Astonishingly, I was not surprised to the extent I thought I would be. I knew it was coming. The only surprise element was it came much too sooner than I expected. I saw a fleeting expression of envy in the eyes of Bhaskar when he heard Mohan. But he recovered too quickly to let anyone know he was jealous.

“She must be telling the same thing about you in the girls’ hostel now!” was all he could say.

“And more effectively than you,” Vijay added somewhat spitefully.

“Let’s go to our room, I want to listen to his exploits in detail,” I suggested successfully keeping my voice steady.

All of us came to our room and lit cigarettes. Vijay opened all the windows, for he didn’t like the smell of the smoke.

“Last evening I asked her if we could go out. She said we could if I liked. I told her that I would pick her up at 8 in the morning from her hostel,” Mohan began with what seemed to me like a victorious smile on his glowing face.

“In fact, I didn’t know where I would take her to. I had considered taking her to the hotel room, but dropped it because I thought she would be offended by knowing that what was on my mind was only frigging her.”

“You mean to say you let her believe that you are in love with her? Or did you really tell her that you love her?” Bhaskar asked with an indignant tone.

“Do I look like a fool? I neither told her that I loved her nor asked her whether she loved me. Yes, I gave her a lot of attention and she insinuated several times that she was in love with me.”

“But then…” Bhaskar was about to say something but I intervened, “Bhaskar, let him finish his story.”

“Ok. It was she who suggested that we could go to Neersagar Lake,” Mohan said.

“I knew it. She must have known the place very well. She must have taken many guys over there,” this time it was Vijay who rejoined.

Mohan ignored the remark and continued, “We reached there at about half past nine. She had brought some samosas and idlies. We had the breakfast and then started walking into the thick growth of trees and shrubs. There was another couple. They were huddled in a bush and were kissing. When she saw them, she gave me a naughty smile and I pressed her arm. She responded sharply and patted on my cheeks. Then it all started and we ended up in another bush. There I couldn’t control myself and I went on and on till it was all over.”

“You better have a medical check up to clear any doubts,” Vijay said playfully, letting out a laugh.

“Surely he must have used some protection,” I said.

“No, I didn’t. I was not expecting it to happen today,” Mohan replied.

Bhaskar, however, said grimly, “You should be careful about her next move brother. May be she wants to marry you. I feel it was a bait and you nibbled it. For her reputation, she must ensure that some damn fool must marry her.”

“Nothing of that sort is going to happen brother. I have not promised her anything. I have not even promised her that I would meet her again,” Mohan replied with aplomb.

“Now, if you all will excuse me, I want to have some rest,” with these words, Mohan rose from the chair and was gone. It did not escape my notice that Bhaskar did not follow him. He stayed back, looking puzzled, amazed and also worried.

“What is eating you man?” Vijay asked him.

“You know, how Nirupama is and what family she comes from, Mama, since you have spent quite a few years in the same place as her. I am a very close family friend of Mohan’s. I know his dad and mother as well as he himself knows them. His dad is a highly principled man. If something goes wrong, I will also be called to explain. That’s why I am a bit worried.”

“It is too early to worry Bhaskar. Your knowledge about Nirupama’s past is all based on rumours and hearsay. Don’t you think you may be wrong in assessing her?” I asked him. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and after thinking for a while, said, “One person may be wrong. What about hundreds of people? I am yet to meet a man who thinks she has a spotless character. What is worse, I have heard from some guys who have slept with her.”

“Who claim to have slept with her, probably,” I said.

“Why should they make false claims?” Bhaskar countered me.

“Well, we live in a very rigid society. If a girl is bold enough just to talk to a guy, she would be noted,”

“What you say is true, but I am sure not in her case” Bhaskar said conclusively.

“Alright, it may be so. But Mohan has been a starved man. It was like a rain to him in times of famine. It was like our government sponsored calamity relief work.”

“But the consequences?”

“Let us cross the bridge when we approach it,” I said.

Late that evening, when we were all together once again in my room, I asked Mohan, “Pal, you should throw a party for what you have achieved today.”

“All you need is some pretext to drink,” Vijay said.

“What are you going to achieve by being a teetotaler? You will have only regrets in the end,” Bhaskar teased him.

“I remember a joke about a teetotaler, man,” I said, “Once an old man told a young boy drinking beer in the park early one evening, ‘Young man, all my life I have never touched the booze or tobacco. Today I am going to celebrate my eighty-fifth birthday!’ The boy simply asked him with astonishment, ‘How?’”

It took a while for Vijay and even Bhaskar to understand it. But they burst into laughter. “Everyone has his own way of celebrating. Harsha,” Vijay said after the laughter died down.

“Ok guys. Let’s go now. Party from me!” Mohan announced.

The Anticlimax!

Well, what seems to be so petty and mean in hindsight, used to look like a grief of Himalayan proportions then. But I still was aware of the triviality of all this and would never reveal my real feelings to anyone. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t even condone myself for being envious of those who were so dear to me. The realization that Mohan was immensely dear to me dawned upon me like a bolt from the blue. I was envious of Bhaskar because he was closer to Mohan than me. Now I was jealous of Mohan because a girl, who indeed mattered very little to me, was becoming closer still to Mohan. What mattered to me the most was Mohan and not Nirupama. I could sense that Bhaskar too had become envious of Mohan, but he never gave himself away. At any rate he always liked to be a follower and disciple of Mohan rather than a rival. Instead of wondering at the leadership skills of some people, I often wondered at the faculty of some people who would be happy to be led, and in reality they comprise a very large chunk of humanity. I was too egoistic to be led by anyone and was not endowed with the qualities of a leader. What an eerie personality I had!

Within a couple of weeks after the excursion, everybody had forgotten about it, and thankfully nobody tried to ask me what had bothered me on that day. Perhaps, nobody cared but thinking so would have hurt me more. Therefore I myself made all efforts to avoid any discussion of the trip.

But this peace of mind was not to last for long. On a Sunday, when Vijay and I were having our breakfast in the hostel canteen, Bhaskar came to have his second cup of tea and cigarette. I was surprised that he was alone, for Mohan always accompanied him. When he settled across our table with a cup of tea, I asked him, “Where is Mohan brother? As far as I know he has not left for his village.”

“Oh he left at eight in the morning. I asked him where he headed. But in reply just smiled and said he would let me know when he comes back.”

“He must have gone to meet his younger brother who is studying in the college,” Vijay suggested.

“I don’t think so. He would have taken me along if he were to meet his brother. He has never been so secretive before,” Bhaskar replied. There was some hurt in his eyes.

“He must have gone with some girl, like Harsha does sometimes.”

“He does not have any girlfriends. He used to be in love with a girl when he was in pre-university college. She was the daughter of a doctor, working as medical officer with the government, in the town where he was studying. She too loved him dearly. But very soon, her parents came to know about this and her father took a transfer to Kolar. That is when he drank his first glass of beer. Thereafter, he hasn’t had any girlfriends,” Bhaskar replied thoughtfully.

“Now you think he is in love once again?” I asked him cautiously. I could gather from the expression on his face that he was thinking the same.

“No. But I am not sure,” he said and took a sip of tea with a slurring sound.

After we had our breakfast, Bhaskar came to our room. Since it was a Sunday, we had hardly anything to do. Since all of used the services of the washerman, like others in the hostel we did not need to wash our clothes. I would have liked to go to the city and just loaf around in the bazaar till it was time to have lunch. But Bhaskar would not go without Mohan. He had become so dependent on Mohan that it was very hard on him spending time on a holiday without him. He just spread himself on Vijay’s bed, staring at the roof.

After a long and unbearable silence, Vijay said, “What to do today? Shall we go to the library?”

“Mama, since when have you started visiting the library?” Bhaskar asked.

“Since I realized that I won’t be able to get my master’s if I continue to laze in your company,” Vijay replied with mock sarcasm.

“Ah, you are already old enough to be a grand father. What are you going to do with your master’s?” Bhaskar winked at me.

Vijay would be usually irked by the references to his age. It certainly was unfair, for he was only a couple of years older than Bhaskar and others. But he was in cheerful mood and he let that go.

“Let us go to Modern theatre,” I intervened.

“Sounds ok,” Bhaskar said after a quiet deliberation. Vijay rose from the chair to dress up.

Those days the Modern cinema house was the only one theatre in Dharwad showing English movies and it was notorious in some dubious ways. Not even a ten percent of its seats used to be occupied for any show. It was a place used by clandestine lovers, drunkards, petty thieves and pickpockets, so it was said although I never noticed any of these in the balcony where we used to go. The movie was to start at 12 and luckily we reached in time. I remember nothing of the movie we watched, not even its title. At about 1.30 p.m., we all agreed that enough was enough and walked out of the theatre.

I wanted to have a drink or two but Bhaskar would not agree. Vijay too said it was all right having a drink in the evening, but in the afternoon, it was improper. I sighed in agreement. We ate our lunch in a small eatery.

When we go back to the hostel, Mohan had just returned and stood at the edge of the lawns smoking hard. He always pulled at his cigarette very hard, as if he was smoking grass. I didn’t know then how grass is smoked by the way. He was gazing at the valley where a few sheep and a couple of cattle were grazing. Bhaskar almost ran towards him as though he had not seen him for ages.

Just as I approached Mohan, I heard him saying, “Brother, I have done it. I had taken her to the Neersagar Lake. There were other couples also there in the woods surrounding the lake. Total privacy and a magnificent opportunity. She willingly cooperated.”

Excursion to the Inevitable.

When the monsoons receded, it was time in the department for the annual ritual of taking the students on an excursion. The places to visit that year were Badami, Aihole, Pattadkal etc. I was not too thrilled about it since I had visited those places several times. It was not a mandatory study tour. But Mohan and Bhaskar were not lacking any enthusiasm; in fact, they were filled to the brim with it. Two mini buses were hired, one for the juniors and the other for the seniors. Mohan, as a class representative, had a lot of stuff to do. Packaged food was ordered, buses were hired, route was worked out, the costs calculated and the amount was collected from the students who were joining the trip. Mohan also got a new pair of clothes for the trip. I had never gone on any tour, study tour or otherwise, with my fellow-students. I never found it attractive or interesting. But now I could not say no. As a matter of fact, nobody even asked me whether I am willing to go or not. It was just taken for granted that I would accompany them. Mohan had already paid my contribution on my behalf. So everything had been arranged, without any participation on my part.

We were to leave at six in the morning. Vijay woke me up half an hour earlier, after he had taken bath. I got ready but still it was a couple of minutes more than six. The minibus had arrived and the driver was honking the horn impatiently. Both of us ran out and found both Mohan and Bhaskar running too. I was the first to enter the bus and found that but for the first two rows, all the seats had been occupied. The seats of the first row were facing those of the second. Nirupama, Saroja and Vani were seated. I waited for a while so that the seats opposite the front row would be occupied and the one by the side of Nirupama where she had kept her bag would the only seat available to be occupied. That way I would be sitting with her. However, as Mohan entered the bus, Nirupama beamed her brightest smile, and removing her bag, she made a gesture to him to sit. He took the seat immediately. I sat on the opposite seat with Bhaskar and the jealousy began to burn deep inside me. I felt so hurt that I withdrew myself into my shell. I could not hear what were joyous hoots and yells all around me. I could not hear what Mohan, Bhaskar and the girls began to converse enthusiastically. I could only see that Nirupama was beaming, blushing, and laughing at whatever it was that Mohan said. Then I closed my eyes as if I was falling asleep.

So finally I had lost and miserably failed, I thought. It was excruciatingly painful, as though my heart was being pierced with a sharp knife. I was never used to failures, or rather I would avoid doing anything in which I would fail. My ego deflated, burst would be more appropriate, like a balloon that is poked with a burning incense stick. I was absolutely sure that I was not in love with Nirupama, but she hurt and bruised my ego by not choosing me, and more so by choosing Mohan over me. Whenever I opened my eyes, the proud face of Mohan and the blushes of Nirupama smarted me. I would not open my eyes for the fear of looking at them and for the fear of keeping my face straight. I was ashamed of myself for being so frivolous, so silly and so commonplace. I could not think of anyone knowing my feelings. I would not, at any cost, let others deride me for being so trifle. I was afraid of logically explaining my petulance and peevishness. I felt Mohan’s behaviour disgusting, but could hardly justify my feelings, even to my own self. I had failed noticing the fireworks between him and Nirupama earlier. He was always there when we all made fun of her, called her nothing less than a whore. And he too used to contribute immensely to our slander of her character.

Of the two mini-buses that were hired, the teachers were occupying the other one and our bus was all left to ourselves. At the earliest opportunity, I exchanged my seat with Suresh who was sitting on the last row by the window. Bhaskar and Vijay tried to ask me why I was going away from them, but I just waved them away. I would dare even look into their faces. As soon as I settled in the seat, I lit a cigarette. I could feel many surprised faces staring at me. Who cares? I said to myself. I had brought two packets of Flair that had just been introduced to the market. It was cheap and strong. With my emotional state, the very first puff gave a strong kick.

When we reached Badami, we were served breakfast on the lawns of a park. I refused saying I was not hungry. I strode away from all of them lighting another cigarette. Everyone was engrossed in his or her own conversation and it seemed nobody took any notice of me. I halted under the shade of a huge banyan tree and staring at the horizon, tried to push away all my feelings. It was nine in the morning and I feared that it was going to be a long, long day. After a while, when I turned back, I saw Saroja approaching me. I didn’t want to talk to her, or for that matter, anybody. But it now seemed there was no escape. “What are doing alone here? All are leaving for the caves. Aren’t you feeling well?” she asked me.

“My mood is off,” I said without looking at her face and started towards the minibus. I was rude. I cursed myself for that. But I couldn’t go back to her and explain what was wrong with me. What could I tell her? All the students started climbing the stairs leading to the famous caves. Someone was asking all the students in a raised voice to join the teachers immediately. Saroja started swaggering towards the group and I followed her at a distance.

The group of students, along with a hired local guide went from cave to cave. I kept myself away from the group and climbed till the last cave that overlooked a lake filled with greenish water. It would take another hour for the group to reach that place. I lit another cigarette. I should calm myself. I am making myself too obvious. Why should I be so mean? It might have been just a chance occurrence that Mohan entered the bus last and the only place available was by her side. I tried to console myself thus. But the flash of Nirupama’s eyes when he entered, and her gesture of immediately taking out her handbag to make place for him, kept coming before my eyes. I couldn’t convince myself that it was merely coincidental.

I sat there on a rock. The winds were blowing gently and my hair was coming over my eyes again and again. I liked the soft touch of the breeze. I liked the clear blue sky. I liked the panoramic view of the lake. But yet I wouldn’t feel good. I pulled hard at my cigarette and it burned my fingers. Only then I learnt that the fire had crossed the filter. I threw it and immediately lit another.

I could hear the guide explaining the features of the carvings in the caves. He had a peculiar high-pitched womanish voice. Some guys were making some funny remarks and the girls were giggling. Sooner it is over, the better, I thought. I cursed myself again and again for not agreeing to join this excursion.

“Harsha!” I lifted my head and found Vijay standing near me. “What is wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing pal. I have seen all these places. Nothing new for me.” I had to lie with some effort.

“I have also seen all these places. I just came for the company.” He said implying what I had told him was not the real reason.

“Well. Sometimes my mood is off. It is just that” I gave another evasive reply.

Although he was not satisfied with my answers, he did not persist. Thank Goodness, I thought.

“Ok. Let’s start climbing down. Let them take their own time,” he said and patted my shoulders. I didn’t want any company, but I had no choice. I rose and we started towards the landing.

“Why don’t you join others?” I asked him softly.

“I am bored of their silly jokes man,” he said.

When we reached the place where our buses had been parked, I saw Mohan and Bhaskar standing behind a bus to hide themselves and smoking. “Hello,” Mohan shouted. “You don’t seem to be in good mood,” he said to me as we approached them.

“Yeah” I replied briefly.

“We have to finish the cigarette before the group comes down brother,” Bhaskar reminded him eyeing the cigarette between Mohan’s lips. Mohan inhaled deeply and handed the cigarette to Bhaskar. They were smoking only one cigarette together, as they very often did. Now it was necessary due to the urgency to finish smoking.

Bhaskar took two puffs and threw the cigarette away. Forthwith both of them started towards the group that was advancing towards us. Vijay hesitated for a moment and then asked me whether I would like to join the group. But I refused asking him to carry on. He followed Mohan and Bhaskar. I climbed the bus and lit yet another cigarette.

Just as I finished my cigarette, I saw that the students were moving towards the buses in clusters. I also observed that Mohan and Bhaskar were with the girls. All them seemed very happy, adding to my misery.

This continued for the whole day. When everyone was having lunch in Mahakoot, I refused to have it and walked away to a nearby shop with a thatched roof and had coconut water. I was not hungry but coconut water quenched my thirst and saved me from dehydration.

I followed the group from a distance at Aihole, Pattadkal and Banashankari, but never actually joined others or tried to strike a conversation. I felt this was the worst day of my life. My pride, envy, disgust, self-hatred, anger and anguish, all consumed me till I was literally exhausted. I had smoked not less than three packs of cigarettes and by the time we reached Dharwad, I was nauseated.

When the bus stopped to drop some students near the bus station, I quickly got down before anyone noticed and took huge strides towards a bar.

===============================================
MZDA4WZSMF9T

Fast Forward to the Present

My reverie is broken by the noise of the sliding of the windowpane. Was it a reverie? Was it a dream? Or was I just trudging the memory lane? I remain in confusion for some time. I see that Nirupama is peeking out of the window. She is wearing a maroon sequined dress. Her hair is open and reaches well below her shoulders. I see that her rich black and straight hair covers half her face, curling at the ends. She looks as beautiful as she used to when I had first set my eyes on her. She is no longer a girl. Now she is a woman. She has put on some weight, not only a little. It is more visible on her hips, which are flared now. It is almost fifteen since we left the university campus.

I know the view from the window. A kidney-shaped swimming pool in the middle of lush green lawns and. Some artificial ducks are floating in the greenish blue waters of the pool. There are rose beds, shrubs, and bushes, all neatly landscaped. Some sparrows are chirping and there are white doves too, resting on the lawns. Some beautiful children will be playing there. The resort is costly, but looking at the ambience of the interiors and the beautiful lawns outside, it is worth. It is a very calm and serene place, away from the noise and pollution of the city.

I close my eyes but I can still see her. She is so close; I can smell her refreshing perfume. Last night was like a blizzard. I had conceived it to be something like avenging a long-standing grudge; like attaining the thing that had been wrongfully denied to me in the first place; like a victory that had evaded me all these years. But no, it was none of these. Or rather it had not been even one of these. It had not even been a simple pleasure. It was just like a release of a tension, of escape from a formidable pressure; nothing more. I wouldn’t say it was disappointing, but it was not even fulfilling. I feel that I have been villainous, exploiting a situation in the creation of which I did not have any part.

“Harsha, what are you brooding over? Last evening you were so talkative. It was as though you would never get another chance to talk to me!” Nirupama says without turning towards me. She continues to gaze at the lawns.

“Humm...” I manage to grunt and curl on the bed. “I am just relaxing now. If you want some tea, I will order.”

“Not yet,” she replied looking at me turning only her face towards me, “why don’t you go and have bath?” she suggested.

“Let me lay like this some more time,” I say and close my eyes. I feel a great emptiness spreading deep inside me. What went wrong? How could it have all gone wry? I never would have imagined things going this way…

“I must leave early,” she reminds me gently.

“Alright. I too must.”

“Are you worried that you’d be missed last night?” she asks a question which I should have asked. I open my eyes and see that her face is devoid of any expression. It was a casual question, quite business-like.

“Do you really care?” I ask her. She laughs but suddenly becomes grim and replies, “I think I do.”

“Don’t you worry, I won’t be missed. It would be more so in your case,” I say.

A couple of hours later, I drop her in the market area of the city. We promise each other that we would meet again. But do not fix a date or rendezvous.

I park my car in the parking lot of a restaurant. At this time of the day, there are very few customers in the bar. I flip open my mobile and see that it is eleven in the morning. I order a large scotch with mineral water. When was it that I had my first drink at this hour of the day? I begin musing…

Girls Again

Among us, the boys, it was the girls who occupied the major portion of our talk. About their mannerisms, about their dresses, and about every thing they did, or did not do. It was typical male chauvinism of those times that beset us all. We made so much fun of the girls, that if they ever came to know what and how we talked of them, they would never speak to us again. Every one of us pretended that he didn’t care two hoots for the girls. Our comments were lewd, jokes, poor in taste but we enjoyed it so much that nobody thought seriously thought of what might be the feelings of those who were the objects of our ridicule. Not even one among us, as far as I could gauge, had ever expected to fall in love with any girl from our department. Nirupama was licentious, Vani was too pudgy, and Saroja was pretentious as well as ostentatious in our opinion formulated without a single voice of dissent!

Next to dominate our discussions were, of course, the professors. But not all of them. Only those who had special or funny mannerisms, about whom there were wrong type of rumours floating in the air, or those who were too inarticulate to be teachers. Bhaskar was a great mimic. His mimicry of the teachers was so funny that the boys just loved it.

Then, more often than not, lewd jokes used to be part of our bedtime chitchat. Not that all jokes used to be new ones, or original ones. There used to be a lot of poor and crude jokes, which would not have clicked but for the modifications that they underwent while narrating, or the persons who were the targets of these jokes. Mohan was a repository of such jokes. He was fond of telling them. But Bhaskar’s sense of humour, his style of saying things with subtle, and sometimes very loud sarcasm, was catchier.

In the meanwhile, Pavan and Suresh Hiremath also became very close to me. Though Pavan did not stay in the hostel, we met very often in the evening in the city, for our ritual drinking. Bhaskar and Mohan kept their habit of vanishing in the evenings, without telling Vijay or me where they went. But it would not offend me as much as it used to in the initial months. Moreover, Vijay accompanied my constantly, wherever I wished to take him. I used to express before him that Mohan and Bhaskar would avoid us when they had money, or whenever they had a friend who would take care of their evening entertainment. But I myself didn’t sincerely believe in it.

However, the fun when we were all together was unmatched. One evening, Bhaskar told me that Mohan and he had found out a restaurant where non-vegetarian food was served for a fourth of the price of the other regular restaurants. We decided to visit that restaurant.

We had our drinks in a nondescript wine shop where Goli-soda and boiled peanuts were served free of cost. By that time, I had come to know that this incentive was given in all the liquor shops in Dharwad.

After a couple of drinks, Bhaskar revealed that day that he and Mohan had been to a movie the previous day along with Nirupama and Vani. I felt a bit of heartburn and rancour. The previous day immediately after the first lecture, both of them had disappeared. The second lecture had been cancelled and for the third lecture, the attendance was very thin. I had noticed that Nirupama and Vani were also among those who were absent; I did not connect it to the disappearance of Mohan and Bhaskar. I was put out and did not want to react. A small measure of anger surged in my head.

Bhaskar and Mohan were blissfully oblivious to my feelings, although it certainly must have shown on my face. I knew I was being silly and absurd in being jealous of them. I used to tell all my friends that we should never miss a lecture, however insipid it might be. ‘Why, you wouldn’t have missed your lecture and come long with us’ would have been their response had I expressed my displeasure at not having been asked to join them. Moreover, I kept telling them frequently that the movies are utter nonsense. “What is there in the Indian movies? In every movie there is a hero who is poor, with a mother who is a widow whose husband i.e., the father of the hero has been brutally murdered by a villain whose identity she will keep concealed till the hero is in love with the daughter of the villain; a heroine who is beautiful, proud and born with a silver spoon in her mouth; both fall in love after a couple of spats or brawl, especially after the hero saves her modesty from being ravaged by some hoodlums, they sing and dance around trees in parks and gardens at various locations, then enters the parents of the heroine either of whom is a vile, unfeeling creature, they object to the marriage because the hero is poor and below their status and in the end, a climax scene with fights and stunts, culminating in change of heart by the villain, or the handcuffing of the villain. The hero and heroine marry and live happily ever after. All films were alike.” This I had told them so many times that it was but natural that they decided I hated films. I never told them, nor could I ever confess that I felt watching movie with a girl was different! Anyway, it was the opportunity they had created for themselves, after considerable efforts. Why would they offer it to me on a platter?

“Which movie?” Vijay asked showing interest.

Mohan told the name. It was a movie with obscene puns in every dialogue. Meant to be a comedy, I had heard that it would offend the sense of decency of even a most indecent man.

“How could you watch such movie with girls? You must have suggested this movie to the girls,” Pavan said with a naughty glint in his eyes.

“Yes, that’s what cropped up in my mind too,” Vijay said.

“Mama,” said Bhaskar, “on the contrary, it was they who suggested and took us to this movie!” Everyone had started calling Vijay as mama, which in Kannada meant either a maternal uncle, or father in law. I used to think that he was being addressed so since he was a couple of years older and looked even more so. But later I had come to know that in the southern part of the Dharwad district, it had become a custom to address everyone as mama, though jocularly. Vijay took no offense and in fact, enjoyed this sobriquet.

“Mama, there is a saying in our district that whores don’t have any fear of the prick!” I said bitterly. But the bitterness was lost in the jest involved in the idiom. Everyone laughed.

“But you be very careful of those girls, boys,” Vijay advised like an elderly man, “ they might be trying to bait you.”

“I am ready to nibble any bait, mama, but I would never condescend to marry either of them. We have limited purpose you know!” Bhaskar said exhaling the smoke on Vijay. Vijay never liked this and said angrily, “If you ever repeat this, I will kick your ass.”

Bhaskar grinned and ignored him.

“I have confidence in you that you would take very good care of yourself. What if Mohan really falls in love with either of them?” Pavan asked gingerly.

“You don’t mean it. Do you? Since you are not in our department, you know hardly a thing about them. Do you?” Mohan asked.

“Whether he means it or not, brother, he has a point there,” Bhaskar butted in.

“Nonsense. Knowing so much about her, you think I may fall in love with her?”

“Have you notice one thing about Saroja, mama?” Vijay asked Bhaskar. Sometimes he too addressed all others as mama except me. He obviously sensed that it was heating up the wrong way, and was trying to change the subject. He was the only one who would remain sober, for he never drank.

“Since when you have started noticing girls?” Bhaskar asked, again with a mischievous gleam in his eyes.

“What do you think I am, son? An impotent man?”

“I will tell you what you have noticed. I think all of us have observed it. It is her gait. Isn’t it? It changes the moment she sets her eye on one of us.” I said.

“Right. When unobserved, she walks straight and has a normal gait. But when we are there to watch her, she starts a catwalk”.

“It is what is called nakhara, affectation, man,” watching all of us grin, Bhaskar said. “But she is not aware that due to her small height and those high heels, it is funnier than attractive.

“And what a snob that Kalavati is man. I hate the sight of her. She addresses every boy as ‘anna’,” Mohan said. ‘Anna’ meant elder brother.

“That is why I started calling her ‘akka’, before she had a chance to call me anna.” I said. It drew sneering laugh from the group. ‘Akka’ means elder sister.

The liquor had been emptied and Pavan wanted one more drink. But all of us said no to him and it was time for Mohan to take us to the restaurant he had discovered. To my surprise, it was the same ‘Hotel Diamond’ that Sanjoy had taken me to. I remained tight lipped. Everyone enjoyed the food so much that they described it as a discovery of the millennium. I saw that several guys from different hostels in the campus had also come there.

When we reached the city bus station to catch the last bus to the campus, I asked them, “You know what all of you eaten today? It is beef, pals.”

There was a stunned silence for sometime. At last Mohan said,” It can’t be. Are you sure?”

“Why else do you think the food is so cheap?” I asked with a sneer.

“And so tasty!” Bhaskar added. The reality had dawned upon him.

All of us laughed so loudly that several people waiting for the bus gave us a startled look.

“How did you know?” asked Pavan with a scowl. I told them how I had visited there earlier with Sanjoy. “Why worry boys. He was a Brahmin, yet he didn’t care.” I said at last consolingly.

“No problem whatsoever. It is tasty and affordable. We will keep visiting.” Mohan passed a judgement.

None could object to it. Right at that time, the bus parked near our platform.

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